Kink, Fetish, or Addiction #sb4mh

It’s December, the holidays are around the corner, school is over for the year, and I should be happy. Well, I’m not. Worst of all, I feel depressed and guilty about not being happy or grateful.

2019 has been an amazing year. At the beginning of the year, I was still stuck in my old self, the one who tries to hide her past and make a fresh beginning. Blogging about my kinks and my former profession as an escort allowed me to come to embrace that I don’t have a problem with my past, but large parts of society do. Fuck them.

Then a lot of things happened so quickly. With the voice that blogging gave me came the realization that I was in charge of my future, not the other way around. I wanted to have a baby, was lucky, and am expecting a little screamer in March. Life seemed so good. I didn’t need to be in a relationship to move on with my life. If it was going to happen, great, but if not, I wasn’t going to wait for it.

And now that I’m a whale, 35 pounds heavier, my clothes don’t fit, I’m depressed. No, I’m not superficial and want to have my figure back. It’s unfortunately more profound than that.

I used to think my love of latex was just a kink. Something that I enjoy, that spices things up, but nothing that I couldn’t do without. A few months back, I still felt that I just needed to take a temporary breather and then I could continue to be as kinky as I wanted. Now, what I thought was a kink, turns out to be more like a real fetish. I don’t just miss play sessions fully enclosed in latex, tight bondage gear, the smell of rubber; it turns out I need it. For those who haven’t looked at my blog, I have a thing for the extreme.

My sex life has taken a dive. As a single woman with temporary residency status as a student in the US, I am not looking for long-term relationships. I’m alone a lot. I don’t want to go out, make new friends. The ones that I have are vanilla, except perhaps the German girl at Purple Passion. When I get in touch with my friends in Germany, I get excited. I want to join them for a weekend of partying. There is nothing like the clubs in Berlin.

So, I’m used to masturbating. I enjoy it, with kinks. Breathplay, some self-bondage, always latex. Tight corsets, gasmasks, you name it, I have it. But with a baby growing inside me, I shy away from virtually all of the things that turn me on when I’m alone. And without them, I’m a wasteland. Sex toys just don’t do it for me. At least not if that’s all I have. I don’t even want to masturbate out of fear that I can’t do it without my fetishes.

And the more I go dry, the more I resent my situation. I should be happy to have a baby. I am, but nobody told me about the price I’m paying. Maybe my kink isn’t just a kink, not even a fetish, now I’m thinking more along the lines of addiction. I don’t use that word lightly. I certainly don’t want to compare my situation with other addictions. And still, the effect is the same.

Withdrawal is a serious issue for me, and that’s why I feel so guilty. I get depressed for no reason, other than missing some good sex? I resent my baby, just because I may have to live a normal life for a while? I regret my choice just because it comes with consequences? That makes me a horrible human being. Which is even more depressing.

I wrote a lot about my recent trip to St. Petersburg. If things had turned out differently, I might feel different. Maybe at 40, trying to raise a child by myself and retaining my kinky lifestyle has always been an illusion. But now I’m on the path I’m on, one that I am far from mastering.

It’s 2:00 a.m. at night. If anyone can tell me that it’s all going to be OK, this would be a good time. Thanks for listening.

29 comments

  1. Sex and mastabating are good for you and the baby (releases oxytocin). But don’t use a vibrator: not good for the baby’s development! Have fun

    • Dear Francesca,

      I love you. Please remember your hormones are out of control in a way they’ve never been before. Please give yourself a break. You and the baby will thank you.

      Pregnancy alters all your internal organs, not just your bladder. If you have the $ or can receive one as a gift, get a massage from an MT who specializes in pregnancy massage. You need unconditional human touch to help you through this ginormous change.

      You’ve accepted yourself & your passions. F the words ‘kink’, ‘fetish’, ‘addiction’. This isn’t a time to pull out a Thesaurus. This is the moment to allow yourself to subcum to your body fully. Yup!

      Your beautiful baby is now dominating you. Which means your body is dominating you. You’re used to external stimuli sexing things up. Try listening to self orgasm music with headphones on YouTube. They work for me.

      I think we should have a cyber baby birth shower for you. I’m serious. Let us by cute small things for you two.

      Huge hugs,
      Jen
      The Voice of Erotica™️

      • Oh, Jen. I don’t know what I would have done without you over these past months. I have found an MT who specializes in pregnancy massages, I’m may even be able to bill the insurance for it – who knows, it’s all for the purpose of having a healthy mother and child.

        You’re right, I should just let myself be dominated by the little life that is growing inside me. See where the sub in me goes from here. I have a feeling though, mommy bear is going to come out pretty quickly and will build a shelter for our future.

        I do need to look out for myself. I will, without getting hung up on words. I’d love a cyber baby shower! Something to work on in 2020.

        Love,

        Francesca (I really need to come up with a short version, but I Fran, or Franny, don’t do it for me…)

        • I love the name Francesca. It’s Italian which immediately makes it amazing because all Italian women naturally embrace their femininity. Plus it’s not like Angela. Nothing against an Angela, they’re cool.

          Francesca is rare; exotic. You.

          I’m so happy you’re taking good care of your self. Oh, I know this may sound weird but if you feel God/Spirit/The Universe/Creator is giving you way too much all at once you have every right to express your anger and then ask for a break. Then count your blessings. It’s okay to be angry and feel the world is unfair.

          I can not fathom the position you’re in. I’ve never been pregnant. I’m not a mom. However, I believe every woman on this planet who loves children should help single moms when they can.

          May you have anything you need for you and the baby instantly at your fingertips.

          Love,
          Jen
          Writer
          The Voice of Erotica™️

  2. Maybe in a few months time you’ll think back on this post. You will have your baby and it could be asleep in your arms. At that time you will realise that nothing else matters and that nothing will bring you such joy and happiness.

    Don’t get me wrong it is tough and relentless, but there are those moments that you’ll never forget. Emotions are only temporary and we all experience ups and downs. Don’t be regretful for what you’ve lost when there is so much to look forward to.

  3. I don’t think it’s unusual for the realisation to sink in that a baby impacts life to a great degree. Until it arrives it must be very hard to contemplate what you’re giving up, so many years of becoming and enjoying who you are. Given your figure that we’ve seen in your posts (I always know from the link picture it’s your post), the bump must be impressive and I can see why this might be hard to deal with.

    You describe your need for latex in similar terms to my more tongue in cheek post about heels. From a kink that becomes a fetish and then something more, a necessity for comfort. I find that parallel intriguing.

    Very best wishes for you and the ‘bump’, I hope to be able to read in March/April and beyond how your current frame of mind and doubts are resolving.

    x🌹x🌹x

    • That is an intriguing parallel… I think it also doesn’t help that days are getting shorter, it’s getting colder, etc. Once March/April gets here, spirits lift and thinking of taking my ‘bump’ to central park in the spring is actually a nice thing to look forward to.

  4. I think it’s only natural to go through this phase too, seeing the path you have chosen to be a single mom. I have been too, and it has only made me stronger. You will get there, lovely, and it’s okay to feel down sometimes about the things you might not be able to do anymore, or will have to do less once the little one is there. But you will be okay.

    Rebel xox

  5. I echo some of the comments already expressed. I went through most of my pregnancy alone as S traveled for work and was gone 6 months out of the year. We did this for 8 years. I was the primary caregiver to our son. I’m the one he goes to when he is sick. I’m the disciplinarian. He is the “fun” dad. Popping in from trips and doing the fun activities with him. There are times I despise him. I want to be that fun person too, but now that he is a bit older my son and I connect in other ways. Good ways like painting and rock climbing.

    I would be lying if I said it will get better. It won’t be better, it will be different. But a good different. You have this little person who will think the sun shines through you. Hang onto that when you are having a hard time. If you can’t and things are just too much please reach out. My DM in Twitter is always available. I’m only an hour behind you when it comes to time zones. I may not have the answers but I will always listen. Take care of you and that precious baby ❤️

    P.S. I’m not sure if you have the pregnancy nose but if you do- the smell of latex can also help with the need. 😉

    • I’m so grateful for your response, and those of others. It feels good to get ‘pulled’ out of a slump and think of the times ahead in a way that is just going to be different, but can be fabulously different. I just have to keep that in mind. You’re so sweet to offer to listen when I’m down. That’s so often as important, if not more, than getting well-meant advice. xoxo

  6. I think that these sort of feelings are normal for lots of women. Not only is the baby changing what you are able to do and the way you look, your system is also thrown off due to hormones which affect your mood. People paint pregnancy to be a brilliant time, especially the second trimester but I did not enjoy being pregnant. The attachment I had to the baby before it was born was nothing like it was after and so really it didn’t feel that wonderful. Given the choice I would do childbirth over pregnancy every single time and knowing what I do of you, I think you may enjoy that more. It will be no time until you are back in your latex doing your thing. And you will also have a new life as a mum so the best of both worlds. Hugs ❤️

    • Thanks, missy. I think it’s just hard for a first-time mom, when all my friends who had babies talked about the wonderful pregnancy experience, and how hard it is to raise a child. It’s good to hear the other side, and I really look forward to finding the best of both worlds, whatever they may look like. xoxo

    • Thanks, May. I was so expecting the horny part, but it’s not quite working out. Well, at least at the moment. I’ll get there. Everyone here is sooo supportive, and if it’s not working out right away, eventually it will. Xox

      • Pregnancy is such an odd thing – I felt mine were dreadful but looking back there were good things about them – just didn’t think so at the time x

  7. As a male living in couple with another male, I’m not skilled to answer this since I will never know anything about pregnancy. However your post really moved something in me for some reason. We may all have common points in our different situations. I’m a gay kinky man and I know that since I started to live in couple with the man I wanted, I realized that life was too complex sometimes, to ask everything to the same person. We are deep and polytendencies people. We naturally need different approaches with different people. One of the big mistakes of society (you’re right, “fuck them”) is that it forces you to choose one single path, while nature brings you toward many directions which are all constitutive of your personality and body.

    If you agree to take an advice from a bdsm gay male, I would recommend to not confront your different lifestyles but rather live them separately but fully, and according to your mood, since each of those moments are actually part of you.

    I wish you a great Winter Solstice and strength for the year to come.

  8. I remember my mother would tell me “this too shall pass.” I used to hate it because I wanted something to relieve the pain immediately. Its all part of living and learning and growing. One suggestion that helped me during my single pregnancies, I wrote journals, letters to my unborn child and that helped me get through some of it, not all of but some.
    It’s ok not to feel ok and your blogging community is here for you.

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